07. 07. 12: Somewhere in the moment when I realize that all I can do for you isn't enough,
That I can't fix your problem, can't change the life you can't change either.
That you're stuck and there's so little I can do.
When I look at you and there's nothing I can say; I can't even comfort you,
Because I don't speak your language. But I wonder, if I did, if the words would mean anything,
Or if they would be more for your sake, or mine.
Somewhere between the moment where I turn and walk away, cause you need too much,
More than I can give, and the moment where I turn around and look you in the eye.
When I see you as a human, a heart, someone's child,
and not a problem, a nuisance, or a discomfort to me;
somewhere in that moment where I teeter on the edge of a precipice,
terrified, yet ready to fall, ready to move, ready to bend and break and cry and actually
use this thing called a heart; when I'm brought to a point of laying
down my comfort for and trading any superiority for your survival…
somewhere in there is where I find that elusive character called compassion. That creature we talk about so much but rarely see. When was the last time it made an appearance?
When did it last darken our doors? Darken? Yes, darken. We have not seen it in so many years
that we've forgotten what it looks like. We've changed it in our minds to this bright and airy thing,
full of light and joy. That is no compassion-only a lie we've created
because we're too scared to see the real thing.
For compassion, this thing we've watered down, is raw and real and wild and deep. It
sacrifices, it goes to great lengths, denies itself, defying self-centeredness;
it kicks comfort in the face.
We are unprepared for it, and truly, we don't want it.
It is hard, harder than we ever dreamed it'd be. So we traded the truth for a lie that we could stomach.
It costs little to give out of our abundance, our excess.
In fact, to give in that way keeps us from having to give anything at all;
it keeps us from having to give of our hearts. To hurt with, to cry with, to sit in the dirt with.
It is a cop out, a lie masquerading as truth.
It is me still being self centered- giving as little as I can to make you go away, so you leave me to my comfort; patting myself on the back for throwing some change your way,
when I've held back my heart and my arms from you. When I've kept humanity at bay by turning you into something to be kept at bay too.
Why? Why do I refuse to love you? Why do I close my heart when you walk up? Why to I cross my arms, begging inwardly for you to go away, just as you beg for me to look at you, to love you, to meet you where you are, face to face; to satisfy your pressing needs? Why do you make me so dang uncomfortable? Why do you bring out the worst in me?
Because the truth is I care more about my comfort and my way of life than I do about your survival. I care more about my happiness than your health. I care more about my entertainment than I do about your hunger. I care more about my clothes than I do about your children. I care more about myself than I care about you.
You scare me. And you make me uncomfortable. Your needs are too great, and my love too small. Your existence challenges my lifestyle. If I took you into account, I would have to rethink every decision I make. It's too much. The cost seems too great. The cost? For what?
My comfort, for your life.
My pride, to love you as I would love myself.
My haughty eyes for your full belly.
My clean hands for your heart to know you're not alone.
My fear & my discomfort, for your need.
You challenge me. You remind me that I don't live for myself. That I can't live for myself. You reach deep down to the core of my soul, and you touch something there, something my depraved heart forgets. Something that my selfish soul wants to forget so I can live as I please.
Once upon a time, I was you. Worse, actually. In my pride and self sufficiency, I was blind to who I actually was. A beggar, longing to be filled. Seeking anything and everything from any who passed by. With grasping hands, my hungry heart sought sustenance. I was the one passed by, left in the cold, by those who considered themselves better. Eyes averted from my wretched state, hearts locked away.
One saw me. One stopped. One reached out his hands. He gave me food, water, love, life. He came often, as I sat and begged. He sat with me. One day he asked if I wanted more than this. Of course you know my answer. He said it would mean leaving all I knew. I would have to give up my dreams of being seen, of being wanted, of being loved by those passerby. He would ask me to give up my seeking, but I would be satisfied. I would gain more than I ever dreamed. He could give it. And he would. He had one requirement, one thing to ask: "Follow me."
I have been, these 10 years since. Sometimes I would find myself unsatisfied. Not because it wasn't offered, but because it didn't look like what I desired. So I would go back on the streets, begging again, thinking something had changed. He always knew where to find me, always came back for me, never let me go or gave up on me. He still doesn't, even though some days I still fight the urge. He fights with me. He tells me how much he loves me. How he treasures me. How he sees all I am, even if the world doesn't. How I'm his favorite, his beloved. He holds me tightly, gently, and when I seek from him, beg of him-I am satisfied. His goodness overwhelms me. I don't deserve it. Not the slightest bit. I don't know what he sees. But still he stays. He fulfills all his promises. He forgives my faithlessness. He is faithful.
I was you. But for grace, I would be there right next to you. HOW can I not love you? How can I not be to you as he has been to me? Have I learned nothing from him?
O God, teach me Your ways, that I may bring Your name & Your heart glory. That they would see the love You have through what You've done for me, what You've made of me, what Your love has grown in me. Let me not forget where I was, who I was, when you called my name. Or even who I was yesterday. Your love knows no requirements, no boundaries, no limits, no conditions, no end. Pour it out through me. Let me only embrace as You embrace. Would You please give me eyes to see as You see? Let me give as You gave-that terrifies me, for You gave everything. But who am I to hold back? Who am I that I have any right to choose? Who am I that I deserve Your attention, Your affection? No one, nobody. Your Love is all that gives me worth. Your faithfulness makes me all I am. I have nothing to give, not to You, not to them. I am Yours, I am Yours, I am Yours. Move, love, seek, serve; live through me. I am wholly Yours.
(For the homeless of my city and the Roma of Europe.)
Isaiah 58. Micah 6:8. Isaiah 61. Isaiah 29.
