That whole, "I'll write soon" thing? Yeah, I'm sorry. Truly. I have been writing. A lot. But not here. I haven't been ready to let it all show. Being vulnerable about it all is harder than I used to think. But it's coming. There's a lot to post now. :)
So life update, to begin (the shortest version ever):
January: left my university, not knowing what I needed to do, but knowing I needed to go. And it was such an act of God. Seriously. If you've met my parents, you understand. Moved in with a new friend, had amazing adventures & support raised for a summer trip to Eastern Europe, to work with a humanitarian organization there.
In this time, I also learned so much about the true nature of the Gospel that I questioned whether I had ever known it before or not. Seriously. Scary and insane...and needed. He's so faithful to never ever leave us or let us go, even when we deserve it. Or when we're faithless. Or when we don't understand. He stays and He loves and He never ever leaves us where He found us. He keeps growing us. That's grace.
I've been home about a week and a half from spending 2 months in a small town in Eastern Europe. A town where most of the population was Muslim (some in the same way that most of America is "Christian"). I loved it there so much. I just loved living it there in a way I never expected to. I met incredible people there. I miss them. I miss it. And honestly, while God did a lot there this summer, I know that from where I stand, the most He did was in me. He took a lot of things He'd been telling me and brought them full circle. He started some new things too. I'm praying they continue here, on this side of the world, as a new season begins.
August: new school, new major, new living situation. Kind of a new city. It's gonna be insane. I want Him to do all the things that He wants to do. I also know I'm gonna fight Him at times. Realized that when I got home from 2 months of learning and growing with Him, after the 6 months He'd already been doing that since January, and spent everything since the first 3 days fighting old sin patterns I haven't dealt with in such an intense way since LAST summer. Oh, heart. Sometimes it seems like things never change.
But I know He's not done. Not even close. And I'm having to remember this is about Him, not me. All of this. This new season, new school, my two months abroad, everything. My life. It's His. not mine. Oh, let it be so. It's gonna be insanely hard. Yet He is faithful.
I guess I'm learning to embrace the messiness of life after all. After all these years. There's this new song I heard just today, called "Don't Stop The Madness" by Tenth Avenue North.
"Don't stop the madness, don't stop the chaos, don't stop the pain surrounding me.
And don't be afraid, Lord, to break my heart, if it brings me down to my knees."
My fearful heart cries out to say the same. It describes the last 8 months. I've been there some days. Today, I'm dry and empty, cause I haven't been believing He's more than what I have, that He's worth seeking. I have so much to learn, this little heart and I. But looking back across the last year, I can't believe how far He's taken me. Even me. The foolish, the prideful, the self-sufficient. He's everything I've ever needed and never deserved.
Father, keep bringing this little heart to life. Keep laying claim to everything I am. One day I will be all Yours.
Glimpses of His heart =beautiful. And mind blowing. And challenging. And scary as hell. Like, seriously-sometimes He freaks me out so much I want to run in the opposite direction!
Then I remember His goodness, His faithfulness, all He has done and all He has promised. And then I know I will be safe. Not the kind of safe that implies comfort or simplicity or ease. Life. is. messy. Jesus got down and dirty in the mixed up muddles of humanity. And thus, I am called to as well. The term "Christian" means "little Christ", though sometimes we forget. So yeah. Jesus did=I do.
This safety is a different kind. It means covered; protected; secure; loved. It means He knows what He is doing. It means the outcome doesn't rely on me. His kind of safety is "I AM big enough for this." "I AM faithful." "I AM the Love you can't even dream of being to these broken people." He protects. He leads. He provides.
I am leaving the kind of comfort and security that I have known. My life right now is not exactly stable. But it is secure-because my life isn't where I live or what I'm doing with my time, or even where I am spending it. My life is staked on the LORD of the Bible, the One who leads His people to oceans and leads them through on dry ground, surrounded by walls of water on every side; the One who tells old men and women that they're gonna be the parents of a nation whose citizens outnumber the stars; the One who tells a man to take a prostitute for a wife to tell a people of His love; the One who circumnavigates nature to bring His Son to Earth to redeem a people who have not loved Him; and defies the grave, bringing LIFE where death had ruled unrelenting.
He calls Himself "I AM." And I'm taking that as a promise. Because, ironically timed enough, my life changes tomorrow. A new chapter begins. I'm praying it's less of a season and more like a lifestyle. A lifestyle defined by the fact that HE IS. So there is no need for guilt or condemnation, fear or judgement, worrying or stress. Heck yes, they're gonna happen, because I do not remember the truth of all He is in each moment as clearly as I am tonight. But He is big enough for that too. There are gonna be tears, I am sure. There will be times I wonder what He and I were thinking, where I long for what was, where I am terrified of what He is asking of me. Because I cannot do it; it will require Him. It will take His strength, His grace, His love, His heart. And as scary as that sounds, there's so much freedom to be found in it-in being so lost and out of our league that He shines so brightly, cause it would take a God to do what is being done. That life doesn't rely on me after all.
He says, "To hold on to your life is to lose it; give up your life, and you'll find it in Me." "Trust Me, I will not fail you." "Follow Me."
It's gonna be an adventure. Life: unscripted, unpolished, uncomfortable. Learning to rely on His strength, His grace for this world, and His heart toward each of us.
{If you're utterly confused, I promise I'll explain very soon why I haven't written in more than a month (good reason, I promise!) i.e.-what's been going on. Fun story. Kindof. I love you all, I'll see you around!}
