So life update, to begin (the shortest version ever):
January: left my university, not knowing what I needed to do, but knowing I needed to go. And it was such an act of God. Seriously. If you've met my parents, you understand. Moved in with a new friend, had amazing adventures & support raised for a summer trip to Eastern Europe, to work with a humanitarian organization there.
In this time, I also learned so much about the true nature of the Gospel that I questioned whether I had ever known it before or not. Seriously. Scary and insane...and needed. He's so faithful to never ever leave us or let us go, even when we deserve it. Or when we're faithless. Or when we don't understand. He stays and He loves and He never ever leaves us where He found us. He keeps growing us. That's grace.
I've been home about a week and a half from spending 2 months in a small town in Eastern Europe. A town where most of the population was Muslim (some in the same way that most of America is "Christian"). I loved it there so much. I just loved living it there in a way I never expected to. I met incredible people there. I miss them. I miss it. And honestly, while God did a lot there this summer, I know that from where I stand, the most He did was in me. He took a lot of things He'd been telling me and brought them full circle. He started some new things too. I'm praying they continue here, on this side of the world, as a new season begins.
August: new school, new major, new living situation. Kind of a new city. It's gonna be insane. I want Him to do all the things that He wants to do. I also know I'm gonna fight Him at times. Realized that when I got home from 2 months of learning and growing with Him, after the 6 months He'd already been doing that since January, and spent everything since the first 3 days fighting old sin patterns I haven't dealt with in such an intense way since LAST summer. Oh, heart. Sometimes it seems like things never change.
But I know He's not done. Not even close. And I'm having to remember this is about Him, not me. All of this. This new season, new school, my two months abroad, everything. My life. It's His. not mine. Oh, let it be so. It's gonna be insanely hard. Yet He is faithful.
I guess I'm learning to embrace the messiness of life after all. After all these years. There's this new song I heard just today, called "Don't Stop The Madness" by Tenth Avenue North.
"Don't stop the madness, don't stop the chaos, don't stop the pain surrounding me.And don't be afraid, Lord, to break my heart, if it brings me down to my knees."
My fearful heart cries out to say the same. It describes the last 8 months. I've been there some days. Today, I'm dry and empty, cause I haven't been believing He's more than what I have, that He's worth seeking. I have so much to learn, this little heart and I. But looking back across the last year, I can't believe how far He's taken me. Even me. The foolish, the prideful, the self-sufficient. He's everything I've ever needed and never deserved.
Father, keep bringing this little heart to life. Keep laying claim to everything I am. One day I will be all Yours.
